"Are you tired of modern, clean and comfortable hotels? Max Brown offers a splendid opportunity to reassess everything you have always taken for granted. The adventure begins the moment you arrive: to reach reception, you will need to carry your luggage up a steep staircase, an excellent cardiovascular test for aspiring Sherpas. There, you will find young and friendly staff. Should you have to wait, you can entertain yourself by admiring the glass table upon which a valuable collection of fingerprints has been carefully preserved — a unique opportunity to feel like the star of an episode of NCIS. Alternatively, you may take a seat on the sofas. Sitting on these artefacts provides a tactile experience that has become increasingly rare in modern hotels. The cracks and tears offer an extraordinary immersion into the concept of entropy applied to interior design. Round the corner awaits a lift that resembles an industrial freight elevator far more than a passenger lift. A delightful glimpse into the glorious world of heavy logistics. On your floor, you will be welcomed by corridors featuring vintage carpets, appropriately worn surfaces, a fascinating presence of dust and materials that one suspects may not be particularly fire-resistant. This is not neglect, however, but a sophisticated immersive marketing strategy designed to make guests feel as though they have stepped into an Edgar Allan Poe novella. Additional steps scattered along the route help keep your heart rate suitably elevated in preparation for future walks around Amsterdam. In the narrow entrance corridor to the room, you will quickly discover whether or not you are overweight. To make the most of the double bed, it is advisable that both occupants possess dimensions comparable to those of two undernourished teenagers. Rugby-playing couples, meanwhile, may find it an interesting exercise in diplomacy.
The bathroom deserves special mention. The shower walls and various other surfaces are adorned with a remarkable fungal biodiversity. Moulds and fungi thrive happily, offering potential ingredients for a late-night risotto and an effective boost to the immune system ahead of the next pandemic.The toilet brush deserves a museum display case of its own. I did not dare use it for fear that it might transform into a Nimbus 2000 and take off for Hogwarts. The washbasin features what might best be described as contemplative drainage. Water does not disappear immediately, allowing guests ample time to reflect upon the value of precious water resources.
You will not find air conditioning in the room — an environmentally conscious choice designed to avoid worsening the ozone hole. Instead, you are provided with a fan that delivers such an impressive nocturnal soundtrack that you may feel as though you are piloting an RAF Spitfire over Europe in 1940. Should sleep prove elusive, you can always train for your own personal NBA championship by attempting to score baskets with your dirty underwear into the hoop suspended above the bed. To reach the breakfast room, you must negotiate a spiral staircase resembling an oversized corkscrew. In the coming years, it may be advisable to tackle it using climbing ropes and safety harnesses. Breakfast is served underground in an atmosphere somewhere between Cold War bunker and a maximum-security institution.
Whilst sitting in front of a coffee at a delightfully wobbly table, you may find yourself reflecting on how an emergency evacuation might unfold.
The breakfast itself is respectable and reminiscent of what one might expect from a decent 2½-star hotel: no particular flourishes, but perfectly consistent with the rest of the experience.
In conclusion, I would recommend staying at this establishment at least once in your lifetime. After visiting it, you will look at every review on Booking or Tripadvisor with completely different eyes"
